first post

i want to die but i cannot i have to much shit to do.

got a friend visiting next week, i got to work cant leave my belongings behind etc.

im in a limbo with my life no direction or passion to work for therefore i get bored

my boredom is relieved by drugs, sex and alcohol.

but the scary part is that none of that anymore makes me feel anything besides ingesting cocaine.

i maintain a job but im starting to lose my grip on my control

the main reason i am addicted is due to my lack of giving a shit about my life. i see no value i see no point and future i don't have any close friends in my perception. sure i have people who care about me and want me to succeed but they dont know the real me because the real me is a burden and or others wont understand. im scared to attempt to become close to others due to my bad habits being used against me.

i dont love myself and i dont know how to fix that, im gonna try the gym to see if i get any satisfaction

i love cooking for others but, its not often i can do that

i wanna start a music project but im not sure what to do i need a drummer who is likeminded to start it with but i have a strong disdain towards musicians.  

heres my next post and see where things are at.

i need to get better or i WILL do it.